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As my mom lays dying....

My mom's been in the hospital for over a month now. Currently in the situation she's in every sign points to her passing away shortly. There's a good chance my sister might end up reading this. She's pregnant and doesn't know all the details of my mom's situation so even though I tend to be an open book I'll leave out some details that I don't want her to read in case she gets upset.

It's not easy trying to mourn a parent's impending passing while you're a parent yourself. So far I only broke down and cried one time. I'm back at work today but I ended up taking a half day Tuesday and I took the day off yesterday. When I visited Tuesday I sat at my mom's bedside and it's very unlikely that she was able to hear what I was telling her in the state she's in but I told her anything I wanted to say before she passes on and I cried my eyes out. Once I was done talking to her I hid in a bathroom and cried and sobbed some more until I was done. I'm trying to be the strong person in this situation and I'm sure my father must have cried privately as well but I didn't want him to see me cry when so far he's seen me as reasonable and calm through this whole thing.

I'm surprised I'm not loosing it, sobbing all over the place etc. Normally in these situations that's what I do. I think mentally I'm not letting myself fall apart too much because my little man depends on me. I need to try keeping it together for him.

I'm doing things I never imagined I'd do in life. When everyone is hoping and praying for the miracle they wish would happen I'm quietly praying my mom will pass naturally so my father doesn't have to resort to comfort care. I never thought I'd speak with a comfort care doctor and hear the details and suggestions about helping someone pass away peacefully.

I'm trying to be at work as much as I can be because even though people at work know I'm loosing my mom I am always afraid of not having enough time for unexpected emergencies so I'm trying to hold onto the time I have so it doesn't get to a situation where I've used all my time and I won't get paid or my health insurance might have to come out of my pocket for my own family when they need to visit the doctor.

Since my mom's been in the hospital I've spending days towing Maverick there if I'm off or my wonderful husband has been coming to the hospital and helping to watch Maverick (especially when she's been in the CCU unit and now the ICU unit where Maverick is not allowed to go see her). I've spent half my hospital visits chasing a toddler around. My son probably thinks his aunts, uncle and grandpa now live at the hospital.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that although I am the lucky sister because my mom got to see my baby for a year while at this point it looks like my mom might not get to see my sister's baby, that my son will not remember my mom when he gets older. My cousin helped me a little he's got tons of video footage of my mom from various family events. He said when Maverick is older he'll show him the videos if we go by his house. I'm upset that my mom only got a year with him but on the positive side she had a very nice year to see her first grandkid, the only grandkid she'll see. I kept pushing to have Maverick be with her any moment I could arrange it even visiting with my family on my days off. Some people told me not to feel pressure to visit her but I told them she's failing in her health and we're not sure when she might go so I am making sure I bring Maverick when I can. Now I'm happy I did maybe something was telling me to make sure she got to see him.

So this is everything I feel as a mom myself on the verge of loosing my mother. I'm sure other mamas have gone through this hardship as well.

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